Wednesday, January 25, 2017

DEALING WITH LONELINESS

Loneliness is  one thing that affects a lot of singletons. This is a kind of a malady that becomes chronic in evenings, weekends and public holidays.

In this blog post, I, Bhaveen Sheth, the Single Indian man writes down my own experiences on dealing with loneliness.It is not easy dealing with loneliness, it was never easy and it will never be easy. However over the years living alone has made me a stronger person.

There is an old saying that goes by stating that an ideal mind is a devil's workshop.Many single Indian men living alone take up bad and evil habits in order to deal with loneliness. I have avoided this path and can proudly say that I am living a single life filled with hobbies and creativity.

My deep interests in reading and writing keeps me engaged. Movies and American television series are my secondary passions and I love to watch them during my free time.

I believe that every person needs to find a higher meaning in his life, a meaning in which he feels that he can make a difference.Some may find it their chosen vocation while others may find it outside. I strongly stand for men's rights in India and have a dream of becoming a spokesperson for a men's rights group.

Being a veteran in living alone for a long time ( now almost 17 years), I focus on my health and well being. After all there is no one who will take care of me. I try eating properly and exercise regularly. There are times when i am not able to keep up my daily schedule but still I try.I don't want to look like those middle aged uncles with pot bellies hanging.I idolise Milind Soman and want to look like him when I turn 50, athletic, fit and fabulous.he is my inspiration behind. running marathons.

Mastering life skills is very important for all of us who are staying alone. While I am able to manage a house independently, I am still struggling with the fine art of cooking.I have decided that when I relocate some where else, I will rent a flat preferably 1 BHK and learn cooking skills on my own.There in no point in surviving on mess, parcels and takeouts for your entire life.

To overcome loneliness one needs to set a new goal that has to be achieved. When your mind in occupied in trying to achieve something, you don't get affected by loneliness.So it is always that new movie that I have to watch, a new skill that I need to learn, a new place to visit, new books to read and movies to download.Never get bothered by the negativity and toxicity of loneliness.There are times when I feel sad and I am sure many single men do the same. There are ups and downs but when faced with such kind of situations, try not to get affected by it. In my case I try to pick up a book and read.

Over the years i have stopped having hopes of getting married. If I am to meet my soulmate , it will happen, however i cannot associate that one event of my life with happiness.People call me selfish and materialistic for not getting married and I hardly care.There is no shortage of women in this country especially amongst the 30 plus urban educated class.Do a demographic study and you will find a large number of 30 and 40 plus single, never married, separated, divorced single women and one doesn't need to chase them around, it is they who are desperately looking out for men.

And finally last but not the least, I have stopped visiting places or attending social functions that remind me of being a single left out person. There is a post that i plan to write on why I stopped attending marriages, so you can expect to read it later. I tend to visit places/events that celebrate individualism and solo life.

Ending this post, I would like to state that living  alone and dealing with loneliness is a big challenge especially in India. However one needs to find his own way to happiness.

This Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be aback with a lot more.

Friday, January 20, 2017

I AM SINGLE NOT A LOSER

This blog spot is dedicated to many single Indian men who have chosen to remain single either out of choice or destiny and to the divorced and separated men who have chosen never to marry again. This write up is for strengthening our resolve and give a befitting reply to the society that treats us like failures and losers.

In India, marriage defines an individual, both men and women. By a certain age one has to get married and if that does not happen , one has to be ready to face the criticism from the society.

At 34 (and just some months before I turn 35), I am called a loser :a man who failed to find a suitable match, a man who is still not married, not settled and does not have children.

It is very easy to brand a 30 or 40 year plus single Indian man a loser. People have even given me other names for remaining single, I am called commitment phobic, irresponsible, immature, negative and pessimistic. I am sure many single Indian men who are currently reading this post would have also faced similar situations.

Seriously!! Please tell me one thing: What makes me and men of my kind losers? I am sure you have no answer. Presently I am single and happy living a solo life. I have still not come across someone with whom I can make a connection.But I am not breaking any law, am I ?

Unlike frustrated single Indian men, I am content with myself, I enjoy my own company, take myself out to dinners and movies regularly. I pursue my hobbies and passions rigorously. Does that make me a loser?

And does marriage hold any importance in today's society these days?Are people happily married the way they claim in social media? I seriously have my doubts.

When did that one institution make someone a winner/loser. Just because I don't have a woman by my side does not make me a dork.

Individualism in India has never been respected. Anyone who is happily living a single life is considered selfish. But the society does not rest at that. It goes further in branding single Indian men as failures.This term has been concocted by the Indian feminists and feminazis who don't want any single Indian man to feel adequate. Amazingly ,a single Indian woman in glorified. She is labelled as a strong, educated,modern, liberated 21st century woman. It looks like the Indian feminists are insecure about many Indian Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW). They are scared that a day will come when Indian men will not consider these modern urban single women for marriage.

So what do the feminists do? They make a term called LOSER and use their good offices in the media to spread the message that all single Indian men are losers.

The fact is that the so called real loser Indian men get married by hook or by crook. Their parents do their best to get a suitable matrimonial alliance for them. Intelligent mature Indian men take a rational decision of remaining single after a lot of thought.These are the facts.

I end this blog with a quote:


This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

Thursday, January 19, 2017

An open letter to the father of an unmarriageable daughter

My dear sir,

Greetings from the single Indian male.If you or your daughter have been reading my blog, I am sure your must be having a sufficient details about my background.

So here I am writing an open letter to you.This is on behalf of many single Indian men of my kind who are now in their 30s and 40s and still not married.We are well settled, have good educational qualifications and hold jobs in reputed organizations. Above all we are happy and content with our lives and have no regrets in being single.

And then we happen to meet men like you. It just happens to be an incidental meeting. You realise that we are single and immediately decide that we would be the one for your unwanted unmarriageable daughter who is now in her 30s and 40s. My dear sir, what made you come to this conclusion?How did you even think that this was a remote possibility? Don't we have a choice?

And now, I, Bhaveen Sheth, the single Indian male would like to speak with you on a personal level. based on my experiences and those shared with me by other single Indian men.Please have a look at your own daughter?Have you ever analyzed why she is still single, divorced or separated?I know what you will say. You will state that her destiny is bad, her stars are not good or she has not found the right one.And if she were divorced or separated, you will openly criticize and find faults with her ex-husband and in-laws. I have heard it all.

The actual problem lies with you and your unwanted unmarriageable daughter.Pardon me if I am sounding like a typical male chauvinistic pig, but the truth is the truth and I am just stating factual reality. You daughter's current status is her own undoing.

Your daughter is single because she has set unreasonable high standards that are impossible to find in any Indian man.Such men exist only in fantasy or in the entertainment industry.Every potential match that she has met has eventually been rejected.Empowered with an education, career and above average looks , your daughter is over the moon.She thinks that her knight will come in a shinning Armour and sweep her off, she imagines of having a perfect gentleman in her life.But sir, this is India and now one here perfect, including your daughter.During her late 20s kept on rejecting potential suitors and now in her 30s, there are no decent men available in the marriage market.The filtered men who are there are way below their standards.

You are a worried man and you have all the reasons to be tensed at this moment. You are now a senior citizen,the daughters of all your relatives, friends and peers are married while your daughter is still single.Everyday it becomes difficult for you to show your face to people because you are faced with one embarrassing question "When will your daughter get married"? Social functions have now turned into painful humiliations for you.And yet, your daughter will not compromise on her standards, yet your daughter is not willing to meet a man who is below her set standards.Every other weekend you are trying to get your daughter to meet some single eligible bachelor in order to make an alliance, but nothing works out. It is  your daughter who is now getting rejected.You see, men prefer marrying a younger women and your daughter is well into her 30s. A woman is also looked from the point of her reproductive ability. In marriage every man would like to have a child and since your daughter is now touching her mid 30s, she is considered as an OFF THE SHELF material. Even if she were to get married and conceive, the risks related to child birth are high. Who would want such a woman? Only divorced men or widowers would prefer having an alliance with your daughter. But with the high standards that your daughter has , I don't think she would even consider them.

And sir!! Have your looked at the traits of your daughter?Don't you think that she is a way too arrogant? If she really thinks that she is a strong independent single Indian women, why is she so desperate to get married? Why are you so anxious to get her hitched? This truth is that in India, marriage still remains to be the single most sacred institution in the society;no matter how flawed it may be.Marriage defines and shapes the identity of a woman.Marriage makes her part of the society, gives her a sense of protection and security.

Ask me, I am orphan and have no family. No one cares for me, no one considers me to be a human being, no one invites me to any social function.I am an outcast, this how the society treats single people. And because I am male, no one troubles me , the same is not applicable to a single woman.

The years are going by and your daughter is not getting any younger. Day by day she is getting depressed and frustrated and still you have not been able to find a suitable match for her.There are now only a few good men available and even they would not consider getting married to your daughter. Really sad.

Sir, please could you tell me on why do you resort to cheap and unethical practices to get your daughter married?Why do you lie about your daughter?Why sir? What makes you so unethical? The reality is that you just want to get your daughter married, by hook or crook.

I fail to understand. Why do you make your daughter's profile on these online matrimonial sites?And on top of that you state that it has been made by her.Why do you accept and express interests? Can't you leave that decision with your daughter? The truth is that your daughter does not want to use the online platform to find a groom. She is simply not interested. Your write up on her are exactly opposite of what she is.  You lie. I have read and have got tired on such matrimonial profiles.

This letter will be incomplete if I don't mention your meeting with potential grooms, guys like me. I am amazed, while you claim of belonging to a modern , open minded and cosmopolitan family, why do you enquire so much about my caste, sub-caste, gotra, religion and family background? Why do you dig into each and every detail?Your daughter and myself are way past our marriageable ages, so why all these questions?Why do you treat me like a 20 year old immature boy when you know that I am well into my 30s and 40s. You also seem to take a lot of interest in the salary I earn, the designation I hold and the organisation that I work for. I am certainly no jobless, homeless broke beggar. I am not bankrupt. So why do you treat me like that. I could have understood if your daughter was in her early 20s, young, nubile and vulnerable, but she is in her 30s and 40s, so why all these questions? Sir, why do you give unwanted and unnecessary advice? Why do you advice me on my career and personal life? Why are you insisting that I should buy a 4 wheeler and a 2 bedroom hall kitchen flat when I am comfortable with my 2 wheeler and rented apartment.If you really want a perfect suitor then why did you fail to get her married when she was in her 20s.

Sir, did I hear that you wanted to investigate me?You want to investigate my background? You send your relatives to find out about me. My office colleague informed me that a week ago some well dressed guy was inquiring about me and asking all sorts of weird questions.I also got summoned at the HR department and was told that since the last 2 weeks someone was calling and asking details about me.The HR department also showed me a mail sent from some anonymous email ID asking for a reference check.This evening when I reached my residence, I was told by my landlord that one unknown person was inquiring about me.Why sir? Why do you resort to such cheap behaviour?Why do you do this when I have high levels of transparency.Imagine how you would have felt if I had done the same with your daughter.Does't your daughter have a past? Doesn't she have a broken relationship or ex-boyfriend? C'mon, please don't lie.

You discuss the terms and conditions of marriage. You tell how and when the marriage should take place.You tell me where and how should I live after marriage.Who are you? My father/guardian. Stop dominating others and get a life.

Did I hear that you want to inspect the place that I am currently inhabiting?So now you will come and visit my house and also inspect the washroom in which I urinate and defecate everyday. Wow! So much for a man who has an unmarriageable daughter.

Before meeting me, did you mention about me to your daughter? Did you share my profile with her? I guess not! It is you who is deciding everything even when your daughter who is way past her 30s and can take her own decisions.But I have one doubt! Is your daughter really mature? I don't think so. Because if she were, she certainly would have taken an active interest in  getting married. But she still remains immature like a Cinderella who is still expecting her prince charming.She relates herself to one characters in the famous TV sitcom "Sex and the City". This is her problem, she is an Alice lost in her own wonderland.She needs to understand that she should come out of her own fantasy land and live in mainland India.

The arrogance of your daughter offends me. Yes, it really does!You happen to send your daughter across for a meeting because you advised me to meet your daughter in person.But this meeting turns out to be disgraceful.I am insulted and humiliated by your daughter.She doesn't want to know me as a person;she wants to know how educated I am, how much I earn, how and where I live, what car I drive etc etc.. I feel that I have been treated as some kind of potential candidate who should match her expectations and specifications.I am ridiculed; I am mocked. "Why are you still an assistant manager?"After all these years , why are you still a team leader and not a project manager?" "What! You own a Maruti Alto, how cheap? "You still live with your parents?" "When will you buy a house?"These are the questions that your daughter has asked me. I am made to feel like a looser, like a man who has not achieved anything in life.And over all things your daughter shows off her remarkable mediocre achievements. Was this meeting fixed to decide a matrimonial alliance or compare career achievements of two different professionals?

If your daughter has achieved so much , then why did she fail to get married? Why she has not found her suitable match at the age of 35?Girls who have passed higher secondary school have got married. You have said the she is a doctor/engineer/MBA from one of India's prestigious colleges, that she is working with a very good organization and has a rising career graph.So tell me sir, why is she still not married? I will tell you why? It is her conceited attitude and arrogance that repels any person who meets her. When your daughter was in her late 20s, she got a sadistic high in rejecting potential suitors. You wanted the best for your daughter. What were your intentions? You think marriage is about buying some fancy product?

So tell me sir, tell me, how do you feel when you see your daughter now getting rejected? That too after having all sorts of achievements and accomplishments! Tell me how do you feel when you realize that your daughter in an OFF THE SHELF product in the matrimonial marker.

This post is incomplete if I don't mention other unmarriageable daughters:the divorcees, the separated and the single mothers. God! I have met many of your kind.In spite of what happened, you don't accept the reality. You don't sit and think retrospectively on what went wrong with your daughter in her previous marriage. You blame her stars, circumstances, her ex husband and in-laws for everything.Don't you think that your daughter was at fault to some extent?Don't you think that in trying to find a perfect match you made a massive blunder? Admit it, you were wrong.So even before the embers of her past relationships have cooled down, you start looking out for another suitable boy.Don't you feel that you should give your daughter at least 2 years to come out of a divorce/separation?Why do you want to jump from a frying pan directly into the burning flame.I can understand. It is not easy having a divorced/separated daughter living in your house.The society mocks and taunts you.Your daughter is treated like an outcast amongst her own family members. Things are difficult if she has a child from her previous marriage.You get up everyday and see daughter without a spouse , a small child without a father, so you take it upon yourself to find a suitable groom.

One of the biggest disappointments for many single Indian men is to meet these divorcee/separated women for a potential matrimonial alliance. Most of these women are sad and depressed, as if they have lost interest in living.Such women never get out of their failed marriages.Your daughter keeps expressing the sad events that took place in her previous marriage.She keeps blaming her ex-husband and in laws for everything.She tell her sorry tale of living as a divorcee in the present times. It is not easy for men like us to meet women who keeps on speaking negative things all the time.And to add to my misery your whole family tries to convince me to get married to her. Why all this pleading?Isn't you daughter educated, working and empowered to take care of herself?SO WHY BEG? And yaa, did I forget to mention that you put terms and conditions once again if marriage works out.You still want things to happen your way. Haven't you learnt any lessons?Your daughter is a divorcee, you very well know how the society treats such women. You should be thankful if some good person has agreed to marry her in the first place.

This post has been written by a wise person. You can call me all kinds of expletives that exist in the English dictionary but my dear sir facts are facts and I have laid them bare in this post.Either you become reasonable and find a decent man for your daughter without having sky high expectations or your daughter can  join the growing population of DEJECTED AND REJECTED single  Indian women within their 30s and 40s who now have no takers.

THANK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off and promise to be back with a lot more.




Monday, January 9, 2017

Just because we are orphans doesn't mean we don't have the right to live a normal life

In this blogspot, I would like to put my feelings on behalf of many orphans like me who are denied the right to live a dignified life by the Indian society.

There are times when I wonder whether that India as a country in general and Indian society in particular denies a dignified life to its orphaned people.

We all know what happens to orphan children on streets, I don't need to say more. But there are many who work hard and make a life for themselves , achieving success single handedly with no support or help. And yet they are denied a dignified life by the Indian society which only thinks that dignity is to be accorded to people who belong to a RESPECTABLE FAMILY.

As self made men we are not respectable just because we don't have a family who can represent us. The society for some reason believes in segregating us and having us quarantined. Social exclusion is an unspoken rule that the society follows in our case.

And we are humans too. Why do people forget that. We were also someone's children. Is it our fault that we lost our parents? Is it our fault that our destiny was bad? Aren't we human beings? What wrong have we done that we get such a sub human and inhuman treatment?

We also have aspirations, dreams and feelings. We wish to connect, we wish to be included and we seek validation. We also aspire for a spouse, family, children and happiness, we crave for human touch, we want someone to reach out to our disturbed lonely souls and make us feel human. But what we get is rejection and denial. People don't think twice before insulting and humiliating us. Eventually we give up and move on with living our lives.

And when we go about minding our own lives, we are again criticised for living a wayward single life.So here I make a clear point to many men of my kind. We have the right to live our lives, go ahead, backpack, travel, watch movies, take yourself to a good restaurant, read good books and improve the quality of your life. Because the Indian society does not want us and we should not expect anything form it either. But remember, we should not stop living a life of fulfilment and happiness just because we are orphans.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

At 34 being single

As I age and add an extra candle to my birthday cake, I write down my thoughts and feelings in this blogspot.

I am now approaching my mid 30's. Life is going on.My juniors are now getting married and peers are raising a family. At this point of life I have overcome the challenges that solo living puts in front of me.No longer desperate to get married, I now focus on improving the quality of my life everyday. Women no longer interest me and marriage may now be an unrealized dream. Focus is on self improvement and self development has become an integral part of my life.

There are times when I feel lonely, sad and alone:I feel that I have been left out from living a normal life.Did not get married, do not have a spouse and have not fathered a child. Yes, I go through such times. But every morning when I wake up , I look forward at contributing something to the world, look forward to improve my life, look forward at a better future.That is when I realized that I am happy being single.

I no longer dream of meeting that beautiful soul mate.If some were to happen, it will happen, why should I bother?Many single women that I come across have extremely high expectations even in their 30's and rest of them are divorcees, widows, single moms, the dejected and rejected. Who wants to marry conceited and depressed women?

Creating meaningful relationships with people is more important for me. I have realized my sociability quotient, people love my company and often invite me to their homes for lunch and dinner. It makes me happy.

As I look over the past 34 years, my life has been good, there have been ups and downs, good times and bad times and I have accepted it.There is still a lot to achieve, miles to go and places to travel. I have not given up hope on finding a soul mate, however, I have become more pragmatic and practical.I look forward to what life has to offer and am willing to take the challenges head on.