Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Success does not entitle you to that beautiful woman

We Indians are a strange lot. We have altogether a different definition for celebrating success.We include all vices in our celebrations. We buy unwanted electronic gadgets, expensive three or five bedroom hall kitchen flats, big cars etc. etc.We celebrate by eating junk food that has been cooked in excess of oil, butter and cheese. As Indians , we don't care.

So why show concern when it comes to  marriage.All Indian men who are successful want one thing:that beautiful Indian woman. You know, the fair skinned, well rounded, sweet taking girl. In India, beautiful women are spoils of the war who are to be taken by winners.

Getting married to that beautiful Indian woman is considered a sign of success. That's what we all think. 

To all the single Indian men reading this blog post, I request you reconsider your decision, in case  you too are harboring dreams of getting married to a beautiful woman.You may be earning that coveted five/six figure salary, you may have that enviable job with a big MNC. I congratulate you on your achievements.

The biggest mistake all Indian men make is in their marriages. They think that they are entitled to have a beautiful women as their wives.They feel that with all their success they deserve one. This is one cardinal mistake many Indian men make which later ruins their lives.

Talking from a man's perspective, many Indian men are still not mature. They may have good academic credentials and well paying jobs, but that does not make them complete men. Many men have never lived alone, all by themselves, never traveled outside the confines of their comfort zones. Some Indian men in spite of all their laurels have a poor social quotient i.e. they can't even have a decent conversation with anyone.They hardly take care of themselves, many have poor body hygiene.Other than having  knowledge and skills at work, their life skills are poor.If left on their own they can't cook, clean, do laundry or take care of themselves.Many Indian men have no hobbies or any other form of creative engagements. These men have hardly dated a woman. Their interaction with women is quite limited and that too only at the workplace. In short many of these so called successful Indian men have never grown up. They are trying to fulfill that incomplete teen fantasy of having an eye candy girlfriend, something that these men never had. In short many single Indian men are desperately waiting to get laid with a beautiful woman, something that only the institution of marriage will allow.

And now I look from the feminine perspective. If truth be told , much to the acrimony of Indian feminists, many of these fair skinned beautiful Indian women are mediocre and dumb headed.  I said many and not all Indian women.Not being judgmental but these girls know that they are beautiful and will use their charms to suit their requirements.They make men dance as per their tunes. They hold mediocre academic qualifications and even if they get a job, they don't see it as a long term career:it is merely to pass some time till they find a rich well settled groom whom they will marry. Job is just another source of income to meet their expenses.These women are quite ambitious, not in terms of self-empowerment or career development, but in terms of acquisition of materialistic things. Majority of these fair skinned beauties come from Tier 2 and Tier 3 cities and small towns of India.In these places even today gender based discrimination is rampant. These women are deprived  of many things that today's modern middle class girls living in metros are entitled to.The only way to get what they want is to get married to some well settled man. It is the only path of liberation from the shackles of bondage within their own families. No wonder they readily accept a marriage proposal from a guy who is well settled in a big city , earning a good salary. That is all that matters for them and will not mind if her future husband is pathetic.

Post marriage, it is these fair skinned beautiful wives who have an upper hand in the marriage. The husbands go running around fulfilling their desires. These women are good at emotionally abusing their husbands. In my subsequent posts I will be writing on two incidents where in successful Indian husbands committed suicides because of marital discord. Many Indian men give in to the demands of their wives because they don't want to loose such beautiful women. In case if such a beautiful wife walks out on them , it is the husband who will become the laughing stock of the society and not to mention all kinds of cases starting from dowry harassment to domestic violence the man's entire family will face when she files for a divorce.

For may readers I may sound like a pessimist. Problem is that people don't want to accept reality, forget facing it. My advice to may single Indian men of a marriageable age is that they should develop themselves, advance on their career fronts, meet new women, travel alone across India, develop self confidence, learn important life skills. I say that men should find someone who adores and respects them. Go for a woman who is mature, hard working and has a career of her own. Go for someone who will stick with you during difficult times  and not throw unnecessary tantrums and resort to emotional abuse.

I hope my words of wisdom will have an effect on my readers.

Wishing you all the best.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing out and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth


On being a pragmatist and not cynical-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM

Being single in India has its own challenges. My single status is a question mark to a lot of people.

One of the reasons for being single is the unwillingness to take unwanted responsibilities and the existing anti-male laws in the judicial system of this country. Whenever I speak my mind on these topics or express my opinion, I get labelled as a cynic, negative  and   depressed person.That does not mean that marriage is a bad institution. Getting married is good, but if a person is not willing to get married, he is labelled as a cynic.

There are many Indian men for whom marriage has turned into a disaster. These men still have bitter memories of their failed marriages and they carry a lot of emotional baggage. Other men had failed relationships, some men come from dysfunctional families, the primary institution of marriage failed them.The bond of holy matrimony failed them.So they decided not to get married. I don't think that they are cynical.

I have clearly stated my case. Being an orphan makes me an outcast and vulnerable.The first thing is that I have found no takers. Secondly, I am well aware of the fact that there are manipulative female opportunists out there who want to get married to me because they have equally found no takers. These women have parents who play the sympathy card to get their daughters married. No just imagine, I have no one to help me in my difficult times:what would happen if I was charged under all those false feminist anti-male laws? Who will help me? I cannot live a life controlled by a woman who is emotionally abusing me 24*7.

Single hood has given me an opportunity to live life on my own terms. In my early 30's, I often see my peers who are living a mundane life.The ubiquitous albatross of home loans and EMI is hanging on their necks along with the Damocles sword of loosing a job.Many have resigned to their fates and are living a mediocre life. They get up , go to work, pay their bills, go home, eat food, watch TV and sleep.When I compare my life with them, I find myself better off. Single life has give me the freedom to do what I want.

No one is right and no one is wrong. Everyone has a different view or perception about a particular situation. A pragmatist always looks at both sides before he/she makes a decision. I have done the same thing and there is nothing wrong with the decision that I have taken.

To all the single Indian men out there,please note that if you are single because of your own choice then you are not a cynic. You are single because you are a pragmatist, so please don't fee sad about it.

The probem with our Indian society is that anyone who does not conform to it norms, rules and regulations is dubbed as a cynic.

This Bhaveen Sheth singing out and will be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

 

Monday, June 20, 2016

Stop becoming Rams and Shravans - Bhaveen Sheth DOTSIM

My dear Indian men, I have one sincere request to make in front of each and everyone of you. Please stop being Rams and Shravans.

I hope you know these two mythological characters are.Lord Ram was the main protagonist of Ramayana and he became a symbol of sacrifice for better good. Shravan was a man who took good care of his parents till eternity.

From childhood, Indian men are brainwashed in believing that they are Rams and Shravans. We are supposed to take all responsibilities of the family, we are supposed to take care of the elderly parents, we are get our sisters married, we are to help our siblings with their education and we are also expected to be married and be nice husbands and fathers.

So many responsibilities put upon a single man, PHEW!!! What are we? Beasts of burden! Don't we have a life? Can't we live for ourselves? Why are we overburdened with so many responsibilities?

Being there for our people during family crisis is one thing, but supporting and helping each and everyone at the cost of your own happiness in another.

When will we live for ourselves?When will we do what we want?

To all the Indian men reading this post, please think on what I have written. No one is asking you to abandon your family, but there are time when you should be able to say no.

You get just one life, live it now.

This is Bhaveen Sheth singning our and will be back with a lotmore

Bhaveen Sheth

Bhaveen Sheth DOTSIM-NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, NEVER NEGLECT YOURSELF

I often come across single Indian men who neglect themselves. They stop taking care of themselves, stop exercising, stop grooming, stop eating properly and stop pursuing their hobbies and interests.

In short, they stop taking care of themselves.They simply loose interest in their lives. It may be applicable to a lot of single Indian men who are reading this blog post at this moment.Indian men have their own problems:we are single because we were not able to find a suitable match, there has been an embittered relationship in the past, separation, divorce, failed married, marital discord, death of a spouse, sick elderly parent at home who needs attention. I can understand. Life is not easy.

But does that mean we should stop living and enjoying our lives? One bad incident should not push us into the abyss of depression and dejection. Life has its own ups and downs.

So  my dear single Indian men out there, go out and live your life. Eat right, exercise and do what makes you happy. Pursue your hobbies and interest.Life is short, live it large.

My case has not been easy either. I am an orphan having no one to support me and still I am living my solo life happily.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Indian society that lives in fantasy

So when I look at the Indian society, what do I see? A society that has the dubious distinction of hypocrisy and double standards, a society that lives in fantasy and does not accept ground realities. Indian society it seems suffers from cognitive dissonance.

Just look around and what do we observe: unhappiness and grief amongst our people. We are a sad lot. The society is forcing its people in believing that they should live for the present by taking loans and EMI's. Careers are chosen and jobs are taken up based on pure fantasy. Even the search for a life partner is based on pure fantasy. No one is practical. Pragmatism, it seems has become a detested word.

So when I choose pragmatism, the society calls me a cynic. i don't care because there is no point arguing with fools and cynics who are drunk on fantasy.

BHAVEEN SHETH

When the Indian marriage system reminds me of being an orphan

In the tenth series of this post, I write on how the Indian marriage system reminds me of my orphan status.This write up is the story of my life. Those who have been reading my blog posts already know that I am an orphan. I don't need any sympathy for that. I am content with my life being a self made man having slogged on my own all by myself and made it on the professional front.

 


Work and personal engagements make me forget bitter experiences associated with my past. I try my best to remain happy.But there is this one thing that reminds me about my orphan status, time and again. The matter of distress for me is marriage. At 34, I am often questioned on my single status. I don't bother. But there are times when I do crave for some companionship, for love, for someone to be my side.

But  what chance do I have as an orphan? Marriage has been an uphill task for me. A potential marriage alliance reminds me  that I am an orphan with no family. In my case my trustworthiness is the first casualty. No one trusts me.Whenever I speak about my past, I have to relive those moments when I lost my family and the subsequent hardships that I had to  face. No one accepts me for who or what I am.After all marriages in India are all about family alliances.

And this is one of the major reason why I gave up on marriage.

At present I am single and I don't need to justify myself to anyone.This makes me happy and I hope to keep it that way. Somewhere I had read that orphans are god's children, so why does the Indian society treat us badly?Why do the so called cultured people coming from a good families treat self made oprhans with contempt and utter disregard? But then I realize that in India you have no identity without a family. People have no respect for self made orphans. This is the real truth of our society.

I am better off with a  solo life unless I come across a matured Independent woman who will accept me for what I am with no questions asked.

This is Bhaveen Sheth singning off and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Did your Indian society ever give us a chance?

In the ninth series of this post, I frame a response on behalf of many single Indian men of my kind to the public in general. This response will serve a befitting reply to people who ask us why we are still  single?

A few weeks ago, a colleague at my workplace gave me a short lecture on the importance of marriage and told me that if I wanted to get married,I must bring down my expectations from a spouse.Wow!What a suggestion. People feel that I am single and unmarried because I have sky high standards. I believe many single men of my kind would have faced a similar situation. Indian society has a dubious distinction of making assumptions on anyone who does not follow its norms.

There many men like me, men who are orphans, men who come from dysfunctional families and men who don't want to represent their families.Two years ago I gave up any hope that I has on getting married.I have described reason for doing so in my blog posts written before.The single tag does not bother me anymore. However I do get irritated when people blame me for not getting married.

So here I make a statement "Did your Indian society ever give us a chance"?I don't think anyone has an answer to this question.Men like me are never considered as eligible bachelors.No one wants us, no one considers us. We are at best considered as Hobson's choice or the devil's alternative.

Being an HR professional, I very well understand in order to qualify for a job, one needs to meet that mandatory job specification.The same applies to a marriage (at least in India). Not having a family makes you an automatic reject. No one will even consider you for a meeting. In-spite of all this, I still tried, only to be ridiculed, cross examined, insulted and humiliated.Some families did consider me because their daughters were equally unwanted by the society (fat, ugly, anorexic, leftover, over aged and divorcee). Now I am modest person having normal expectations, I was certainly not one of those desperate persons willing to settle down with just anyone as a spouse.When you make an extreme compromise in a marriage:you end up shaking your hands with the devil himself. I stoically accepted that I was better off being single.

Today I live peacefully living a happy single life. I don't have any problems.But the people of the society don't like it. They can't stand the sight of a single man living a nice life.I would clearly like to state that before making unwanted statements on me and men of my category, people should know about our backgrounds and put themselves in our shoes.

Indian society does not give any chance to orphans. Even if we are able to move above on the professional level, we are still treated as unwanted and made to feel like outcasts.

An Indian society that boasts on values, traditions, morality and all that philosophy on culture  has no place for orphans.

I hope I have made my point clear in this post.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off and will be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Living with loneliness without any love, care or affection, something within you dies every single day.

In the eight series, I write on how loneliness affects the lives of single men in India. While we may celebrate our bachelorhood, one should also realize that loneliness takes its toll, especially on our emotional well being.We become less human, we get devoid of human emotions.

There are many Indian men who are now living a life of extreme loneliness.There is no one by our side, we have lost touch with our relatives, hopes of marriage have long gone, we have good friends but they are busy attending to their own families.At this stage of our lives there is no one by ourside.

I know what many of us are going through. Unlike single Indian women we don't go around advertising our situation. In India, men accept their pain and suffering silently.

We often ask:what wrong did we do to deserve this life? We find no answer. May be we have accepted our fates and compromised with it.

We wake up early and realize that there is no one by outside.We have our breakfast alone wondering if there would be any possibility in the near future where we would be sharing our dinning table with that special person.We go to work and listen to our colleagues discussing matters related to their families. When we see family photos of someone, something suddenly hits us and we realize what we are missing.

We come home to any empty house (I have been doing that for the last 16 years now. First as an undergraduate student , then as a first time employee, later on as a PG student and now a professional assimilated in the workforce). No one greets us at the entrance of our homes, no wife, no child. There is no one with whom we can share our problems, no one with we will be having dinner.Sundays, public holidays and festivals have stopped being of an importance to us.

We ask ourselves?Are we dying everyday? To some extent, the answer is yes.We have stopped being emotional, we have stopped living in fantasy and stopped keeping hopes.Other thean our professional achievements and credentials, we don't have any cherished moments. In a society filled with lies, cheat, deceit and rampant abuse of the judicial system , we have become hyper vigilant. Interactions with the opposite gender fills our minds with doubts and paranoia. We have made fences and walls around us to such an extent that making a meaningful relationship with someone is difficult.In my case, I have not been touched for the last 15 years. The lack of physical human contact is enough to make me inhuman or to put it better words, dehumanizing.

No matter how much suffering we keep in our hearts, our stoicism gets reflected in our eyes and face.We die, we die every single day. It is just that we don't register this minuscule percentage of our death.

This is not just my story but the story of many men like men, men who are orphans and men who have left their dysfunctional families for good.Men who are single because of their destiny. This is the reality of our lives.

BHAVEEN SHETH

A matrimonial alliance for an orphan

In the seventh series of my post, I write a satire on myself by making a matrimonial profile for an orphan. We all know that orphans have don't qualify for marriage, hence no one will ever see advertisements posted by orphans seeking a matrimonial alliance. So here is my satirical writeup.

Every Sunday I go through matrimonial advertisements in the Sunday edition of times of India. No! I am not reading these ads in order to find a suitable mate get married.These ads make my day. I can't stop laughing at the stupidity of some people.

Okay!!!! Jokes apart. There are times when I wonder what would happen if I were to put an advertisement in a matrimonial column as an orphan. How this advertisement would look like. Here is an example of the same:

ALLIANCE INVITED FROM SUITABLE GIRLS FOR A 34 YEAR OLD  MANGALIK  ORPHAN HAVING DUAL MASTERS DEGREE WORKING AS AN   HR EXECUTIVE IN A REPUTED ORGANIZATION. CASTE , CREED AND RELIGION , NO BAR.

I may have exceeded the word limit normally set for a matrimonial advertisement, but it does not matter as I am not paying any money.

But seriously,  If I would have place such an ad , I seriously doubt anyone would have shown an interest in the same. Mangalik and orphan is like combining Hitler and Stalin together.HAHAHAHA!! There are times when a man must learn to be critical and laugh at himself, no matter how bad the situation is.

Sorry but there cannot be any matrimonial interest expressed by orphans, not in our society and certainly not in our country.People of my category are treated as outcasts. But do I care? NO! Who is the Indian society to judge me?I am happy being solo forging my own identity as a single individual who has the courage to live alone

On shattered and destroyed dreams of getting married

In the sixth part on this series, I write on the shattered dreams of getting married, on destroyed aspirations, broken hopes and desires of find a soul mate with whom one will live happily ever after. I write for those men who never got a chance to get married and are now in their 30's and 40's.

Everyone grows up brainwashed on false ideals stated by the Indian society. Getting married is one of them. It is a dream of every Indian man to get married, they think that it is their birthright.

 So what happens when the dream of marriage is shattered?What happens to those men who remain unmarried after the age of 30, men who get separated and divorced. Life is not easy for them. Their self esteem and self confidence takes a hit. They become sad and desperate. There are men who start eating junk food, drink alcohol and get addicted to narcotic substances.There are men who get so desperate that they go after any woman who comes across them. They just want to get married, they badly want a soul mate. Sadly, that  does not happen.

In front of them their siblings and cousins get married and start a family, friends, peers and colleagues follow suit.Now these men are the only ones who are left single. That left over/left behind feeling hits them strongly.

Shattered dreams and destroyed hopes of ever getting married takes a toll on their personal and professional lives.These men neglect themselves and take up bad vices to compensate for not getting married.They become obese with huge pot bellies, they no longer take care of themselves. On the professional front their performance at work is adversely affected, they no longer show enthusiasm towards their work, get passed over for promotions and increments due to poor performance.

On the personal front there is no one to provide them with solace.Parents have aged and have their own problems, siblings don't have time as they have their own family matters to attend and the same applies to best friends who are now married.With no one to provide emotional and moral support, these men start brooding alone:they cut themselves away from people, away from the society, thus increasing their isolation.

The above written points destroy a lot of men. To any stranger, these single men come across as sad, frustrated and depressed souls, some of whom are obese with bulging pot bellies, disheveled hair , bad attire,bad body odor, unpolished shoes, wrinkled clothes and lord knows what.The only thing that is on their mind is to get married. But who will marry a man who cannot take care of himself. No one wants to be associated with a sad depressed soul. So these men further ruin their chances of getting married. 

I got the inspiration to write this article after I met a 35 year old single male. I had worked with him a a few years back. He is a specialist doctor and has been searching for a bride for the last 7 years with no luck in sight. To his bad luck he keeps on getting rejected by each and every girl he meets. I bumped into him a few months ago. He has all the features of the sad depressed single man that I have described above. I feel sorry for him. This is not just the story of his life but the story of thousands of Indian men in this country who never privilege of getting married.

Ending this writeup, it is difficult for Indian men to live alone, to live a life where the dream of getting married has been broken and shattered.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing out and will be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

Saturday, June 11, 2016

On broken dreams, destroyed aspirations, unfulfilled desires and a life of stoicism.

Writing the fifth series of my blog posts dealing with living single as an Indian male, I share the feelings and emotions of single Indian men. Men who are orphans, who have left their dysfunctional families fro good, separated and divorced men, men who mad sacrifices for their families and remained single. This category of men go through their own emotional turmoil and in this post I would like to discuss on the same.

No one speaks or writes on men's issues in India. No one wants to debate and discuss on issues related to single Indian men. Does the society even know what they go through? I am speaking on behalf of men of my type:the category that I have mentioned during the opening paragraph of my post. We too are human beings, we also have feelings, emotions and sentiments.Even then the society treats us as outcasts and social pariahs.

How do we feel when we look at our present lives?What do we see?Sadness, grief, dejection,depression and god knows what.How does it feel?We grew up dreaming of a wonderful life and that it did not happen. We remain single, unmarried. We got divorced and separated.

When dreams are broken and aspirations are destroyed, the effects are long lasting.

Divorced and separated, away from our children, our toxic ex-wives don't allow us to meet them. No father should ever be allowed to go through what we have undergone or are currently undergoing.We get to meet our children at a particular time slot. What is this? Some kind of prison meet.How much do we miss our children.No one can understand what we divorced/separated fathers go through. Our void, our vacuum. Our ex-wives have manipulated our children against us.They no longer want to meet us. They say that we are evil and blame us for ill treating their mothers and destroying the marriage.I wish they knew the truth. A family photo on our desk, a photo frame on the wall reminds us of something we had that has now been lost forever.

As never married single Indian men now in our 30's and 40's , marriage now remains a remote possibility. At times our lonely lives are miserable, we don't know what to make out of it.A life filled with loneliness and no companionship. Even we dreamed of getting married once upon a time, even we harbored aspirations of finding a soul mate but our destiny was not on our side.What have we become? Bare branches!Everyday you see people  falling in love ,getting married and starting their families and we still remain the same. Even we have desires, sexual desires and we are not ashamed of admitting the same. But do we have any options? We end up living a life of sexual repression. What kind of life is this? A life without any love, care, affectation and companionship. And still we continue to our lives. 

In India, men are expected to suffer silently. They have to live a life filled with stoicism.And yet amidst all this internal chaos and personal trubulane we go on living our lives.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off and will be back.

Bhaveen Sheth

Maybe I am not just that kind of a guy

Writing the fourth series on living single in this post I state a major reason why I am still remain single. I am not that kind of a guy, you know the marriage material guy, the kind of a man who is deemed to be an eligible bachelor because he holds a good job and comes from a very good family.

Many people around me often wonder why I am still single. I am 34 years old, hold dual master's degree, a well paying job, have a pleasing personality and good communication skills. That means, I should be hitched right now!!Right!!! No!!! You are wrong. You see I am not just that kind of a guy.You know, the kind of guy who gets flooded with  matrimonial alliances. I am an orphan who lives in a rented accomodation.

I don't have any of those qualities or traits that are expected from eligible Indian bachelors as per the Indian family standards.I have no parents, no relatives and no proper family background. This does not make me "That kind of a guy."

A pragmatic person who does not live in a world filled with fantasy in not liked and accepted by the Indian society. I prefer a court marriage over a big fat Indian wedding, I prefer a simple life over an extravagant one.

Years of loneliness and isolation has led to the buildup of emotional barriers and fences.On the personal front it takes some time for me to open up to a woman.

I am not that kind of a guy who even has a family. You would never prefer to meet me during arranged matrimonial meets. You will not even meet me at any engagement and marriage ceremonies. After all who wants to invite single orphan men to social functions. Maybe I am not that kind of guy.

I am not that kind of a guy who is desperately seeking a bride. Many men of my age have gone insane with desperation. They can't live alone.

You will not consider me as a potential alliance for your daughter/sister.No one will empathize or sympathize for me. Indian society never pays attention to single silently brooding men. Mr.Darcy , the character of novel Pride and Prejudice can take a hike.

I am not that kind of a guy with whom you will dream of having that extravagant engagement ceremony, that wonderful sangeet event or that big fat Indian wedding. You don't like court marriage. Do you?

I am not that kind of guy whose family you look forward to meet. Orphans have no family. Just to remind you.

You see, I am the Hobson's choice, the devil's alternative, a man who will only be considered when a girl's family does not find any suitable person available for her.

But you see, I am a human being. I also used to be someone's child, once upon a time. Dignity and self respect are my important possessions.Life is not so bad for me that I have to be treated as the last alternative.

I am not that kind of a man who is able to meet the materialistic expectations of the Indian society. This is just not my case, there are many single men like me who are orphans or have left their dysfunctional families forever. This is the reality of many single Indian men of our kind. If you are reading this blog post you will understand.

This is Bhaveen Sheth singing off and will be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

Friday, June 10, 2016

Dear Sir/Madam:Nothing is wrong with me. I am an orphan and that is the reason why I am still single

Continuing the third part of this series, I write an open letter to the honorable men and women of my society and country when they ask me why a well educated man having a decent job, drawing a good salary and having a good personality is still single. They feel that something is wrong with me not knowing the fact that I am an orphan, all by myself having no family. In this post I speak to them in person explaining them my own situation. 

Dear Sir/Madam,

Hope you are doing good. I happen to come across men and women like you who keep on questioning my single status. You ask me why I am still not married? So here I state the obvious reaosns.

Yes, I am an orphan with no parents or relatives. I have no one who can vouch for me. This makes me an automatic reject on the matrimonial front.No one will prefer an orphan as a potential husband or son-in-law. You see, our society follows doubles standards. It states something does exactly the opposite.

I have heard many statements from men and women of your kind.After meeting me when you come to know that I am still single, you say "Such a nice person, so educated having a decent job, earning a good salary and still he is single and still unmarried."I wonder what is wrong with him?"

Sir/Madam, you pity my condition,you give me all kind of advices on getting married and lecture me on the advantages of getting married.Sir/Madam, would you recommend your daughter/sister/near relative to get married to me?I think not.You see, giving unsolicited advice is very easy but following it is difficult.

And you feel that I have extremely high expectations from a future spouse. What do you mean by high expectations? Is it wrong if I expect  my wife to cook for me? Is it wrong if I expect her to adjust with what I earn and what I can provide her. This is a normal expectation that unanimously all Indian men will vouch for.There is nothing wrong in it.

And yes, do I hear that you called me paranoid and said that I have a negative outlook towards the institution of marriage. What is your take in all those feminist, anti-male, gynocentric misandrist laws existing within the judicial system of this country. Being all by myself am I not vulnerable?Aren't there enough femme fa tale's out there who want to rob men of their hard earned money by getting married to them. Just one complaint by her and I risk loosing my hard earned money, not to forget my job and reputation.

People marry in order to make their lives better , not worse.I have seen men struggle within a dysfunctional marriage.Yes sir/madam, I have seen a lot What is the point of getting married if you can't be happy.

In my previous blog post, I have written that I got potential matrimonial alliances from the dejected and rejected women, women who did not find any takers, women whom no normal person wanted to marry.I hope you can understand what kind of women I am talking about. People think that just because I am an orphan, I have no choice but to settle down with such leftover women.

But you see, my honour, dignity and self respect are still intact with me.Years of loneliness has taught me to become self dependent or self reliant.I agree that I need a life partner, but I am not that desperate to settle down  with anyone whom I come across.

I am a traveler, I am a seeker and in this journey of life you may never know what can happen in the near future.

As of now I am content with what I have. So it is my sincere request that you don't have be be concerned for me.In India no one care for orphans, so why do you even bother. I can take for care of myself.

Concluding my blogpost, I hope I have given a befitting answer to your question.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

Divorcees, double divorcees, separated women, single mothers, toxic and unstable 30 plus single women, physically and mentally challenged women:The marriage alliances that came for me

Continuing the second part of my series, I write on the kind of matrimonial alliances that came to me because I was an orphan and did not have a family. I write on my bitter experiences of meeting such potential brides and my own feelings on the same.

Previously I wrote a blog post title "HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI "!!!!! mentioning the truth how no one asked for us and no one was concerned for us.

In this write up I state the choices of women  I met as potential soul mates.I have elaborated the list in the above heading. They are what the Indian society secretly labels as the unwanted women, left over women and many other names. These were the kind of women who came forward as potential matrimonial alliances.Ninety percent of them never approached me directly.It was always their parents and siblings who got in touch with me. They wanted me to marry off their daughters/sisters.I met as many women as I could in order to gain a perspective.

Some were extremely toxic, some were volatile, some were negative, some were pessimistic while others were depressed and desperate.It was always the parents and siblings of these women who showed extreme levels of enthusiasm for marriage.There were also some parents who tried to maintain a balance in the  equation by saying that since I did not have a decent family background,I didn't stand a proper chance to get married and looking at my condition, their daughters were the best match for me. Some parents coerced me by showing unwanted care and affection. They said "Don't worry , so what if you don't have parents, we will will be your parents once you marry our daughter. After all we are a family".

I just don't know what to write at this point of time. I mean where was all this leading to. I am not against divorcees and separated women. But how could I make a major decision of my life based on just one meeting with some unknown family? I was not desperate but the women whom I met were. For them it seemed that marriage was some kind of a last resort for their problems, it was the final destination leading them to the kingdom of heaven. But I know the truth. Marriages made out of conveniences and alliances made under desperation do not last for long.

Many people ask me "Why I never got married"?" Why I am still single"? Some well wishers say that a man like me can always find a decent woman. I wish they knew the reality about me. Problem is that I don't like repeating my sorry tale to any and every other stranger I meet.So here I am writing on the choice of women I got for marriage:the leftovers, the unwanted, the ones whom no normal person would associate with. Sadly this is the truth and this is my side of the story.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI !!!!!

Thirty four, single and still not married. I am writing a ten part series on living a single life, regrets and remorse associated with not being married, on how I was ill treated when when I went ahead to find a suitable wife, on broken dreams of marriage, on dying everyday due to lack of human love and affection, on a life with with a void that cannot be filled.

In the first part, I, Bhaveen Sheth, the writer of this blog writes this post on how no one asks for men of my kind, how we live an invisible existence within the society.

HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI!!!

HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI, literally translates into nobody asks for people of our type.

I make this statement many times when curious and inquisitive people inquire on my single status and why I am still not married.For a person who is an orphan and for men who have left their dysfunctional families for good, getting married is a difficult task. Forget marriage, even acceptance in the society is not there.No one wants us. Some people say that I am negative, but that is not the case because I am stating the reality. Without a proper family no one considers you eligible for marriage. If you are unmarried after a certain age, you cannot be part of the Indian society, no one will invite you to any social function or family gathering. You become a social pariah.One has to live with loneliness and isolation.In difficult times you are all by yourself.There is no one with whom you can share your problems and there is no one to understand you.

A few years ago, I stopped taking any interest in getting married. Marriage is for people who have families. No one wants people of my kind. In this so called market of matrimony we don't stand a chance.

Today I live a life that is satisfying, keep to myself and enjoy my life. However people are not please to see me live a happy single life.They often ask me why I am still single? Why I never got married or am still not actively searching for a matrimonial alliance?

To all of them , I have one common answer: HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI !!!!!

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off, will be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth


If you want to live within the society , you must follow the rules

Society? Rules? What the hell? A month ago before my 34th birthday a well wisher told me that I must celebrate my birthday with other people by giving a small party.After all I had to live within the society. I just wished he had known about me, I wish he would have know that I have no family background. People like me are never included within the society. Why the should I do things in order to please the people of the Indian society.My birthday is my concern. How I should celebrate it is my wish.I always celebrate my birthdays solo.

Where was this so called Indian society when I wanted to get married? No one was willing to accept me. Single Indian men without a proper family are treated as outcasts. Hence I don't need to follow the rules of the Indian society in order to make others happy. I love to live the way I am living and I have no regrets about it.

This is Bhaveen Sheth sigining off and I promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

Thursday, June 9, 2016

And one day I just packed my bags and left my dysfunctional family for good

My dear friends,

Hope you are doing good. A few weeks ago, I received a mail from one of my readers who wrote to me about his own story where he left is dysfunctional family for good. I am sharing his story below:

Dear Bhaveen,

I have been reading your blog posts regularly and admire you because you write on topics related to single Indian men, orphans and people belonging to dysfunctional families.

Here I am sharing my story. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, my childhood and teenage years were filled with family fights, squabbles and arguments. My folks were rigid and orthodox.They had become prisoners withing their own dysfunctional world. Fortunately things turned out better for me when I moved out to another city in order to pursue my graduation and post graduation. Truly speaking, I was shocked to see a different world altogether. I could not comprehend the fact there were normal people living a happy life.I had grown up in an environment filled with excessive pessimism and toxicity. My family members just wanted to confirm to their old patriarchal values and customs that had been passed down for generations. When I came home during my college vacations, the environment would depress me. Eventually I made some excuses and stopped visiting home.

After completing my post graduation I shifted back to my home city as I had got the placement of my preference.I loved my job, work environment and salary. However the situation never improved within my family. I was fed up.I started applying for jobs in different cities. Fortunately the HR department of my organization became my savior and considered my request to be transferred to another city.

My family was not happy with my decision.They accused me for being irresponsible. I did not care.I relocated to another city. For the first time in my life I experienced peace and solitude.Along with my job, I started pursuing creative activities like reading and writing. I made new friends to whom I got very close to.After spending a year in a new city I went home. Nothing had changed. The environment had become more toxic.I just couldn't stay for another day in my own house. So, I gathered my stuff, packed my bags , took what I wanted to take and left home. I did not say my goodbyes and just sneaked out of my house in the middle for night.I never looked back and my folks never bothered to call me. The were always bust in their decade old problems.

It has now been many years since I left my home for good and believe me I have no regrets. There has been a dramatic change in my personality. Dysfunctional families can take a huge toll on your emotional well being.

However life for me has not been easy.I still remain unmarried. Matrimonial alliances are hard to come by because the institution marriage requires that you have a family. But I don't mind . In life you can't have everything.

Bhaveen, we become what our families are. Dysfunctional and toxic families make you cynical, narrow minded and toxic.It is only after leaving such a family does one realize how different the world is. If a man needs to move ahead and develop himself, he will have to leave his dysfunctional family once and for all.

Regards,

 XXXXYYYYZZZZ

I salute this writer for his courage to take such a bold step. Dysfunctional family is a problem that has never been discussed and yet these kind of families are a common sight within our society. No one wants to acknowledge and deal with this problem.

This is Bhaveen Sheth singning off and will be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth