Monday, April 2, 2018

40 Year old single Indian mother shares her wisdom with today's generation looking to get married-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian man came across a post written on by Qoura by a 40 year old single mother on her experiences of finding a suitable life partner. She shares her thoughts and gives meaningful advice to today's' generation who is looking out to get married:



My first marriage was around two decades ago. My father narrowed in on a person, because he met my most basic criteria of being an educated partner. He was doing his PhD, hailed from a lower income joint family, had the responsibility of having a bunch of sisters married, brother settled and then married etc. Fortunately, the guy was brainy enough to make up for his economic challenges with the prospects of a great future. We met, got engaged in two days, married 6 months later. Everything was good except the fact that I wasn’t financially independent( I was a post graduate myself). We both did not like this fact, but after one year (since I had moved to a new place after marriage) I did get a job that made both of us happy and secure in our possible future. We were poor but happy and working towards our careers. Fast forward, six years later, I finally was pregnant after few unexpected medical complications. In the meanwhile, we both had sacrificed enough to get his family settled, and he along the way let me help my family. The challenge began when he discovered we were having a daughter. I met a person who I had not know for 6 years. 5 months into the pregnancy, I had a unhappy set of inlaws who were ready to kill my first child because she was a girl. I had a husband on mute. Anyways, long story short, I walked out on my husband with my 2 year old in hand and nothing else. Not even my clothes. Lived through enough verbal and emotional abuse to know that if I did not walk out, one of us will be dead. My child would suffer either ways. One year shy of a decade of marriage, I filed and divorced my husband. I neither asked for nor claimed any alimony or child support as anything that could keep the strings attached would effect my child. I did not want an abusive unloving adult in her life. My parents stood like rock, watching me take the decisions I took, which would potentially affect my and my daughters entire life. I did what I had to do to save ourselves every which way possible. My only saviour was my career. My financial independence. Today, my past has lost its power over me.
Now my child is 8 (I have raised her alone for last 6 years) and I am ready for a new relationship. Now come the matrimonial sites in picture. I have clearly mentioned that I am looking for partnership, am financially independent, am not looking for a father for my child, but a decent adult role model, with maturity, humanity, and career focus as important anchors. Value congruence is what I am keen on! Everything else will follow. What do I get?
The same stereotypical Indian man I met two decades ago. Some want nothing to do with my child (why contact me then); some want to know how much I earn and then make a decision; some claim to be broadminded but have neither the guts nor the open mindedness to think of a 40 year old single parent as a potential partner. I am not looking at age limits, but yeah cynical men who only talk about sex from the word hello are of course not welcome.
Here comes the reason I am writing this answer: In two decades - my experiences haven’t changed. I was made to be feel unwanted then because I wasn't rich nor thin two decades ago. I am even now not made to feel wanted or accepted today. BTW I am a very beautiful woman as a matter of factVidya Balan Kinds. My career is and will remain to be important. I take care of my parents and wouldn't mind taking care of partners parents. I have a cook, maid, and a care taker to help me grease the functioning of my life because being a single parent ain’t for the faint hearted.
But what does everyone get in asking for XYZ requirements of a partner. The same typical requirements of men and women alike. Before you go judging that I am bashing men, hold on! I am judging and questioning our requirements for matrimony. Money, social status, religion and caste status, looks (Tall Dark Handsome/Tall, Slim, Fair) are some very shallow measures. Dowry and money (potential earning status) are just superficial criteria and don’t help the situation.
So what should be one looking for…I am not judging but merely stating from my experience: look for values and character. On both sides! You being from IIMs, IITs, working for Oracles and Accenture’s of the world isn't a mark of your character. You being CA/CS doesn’t determine your humanity. Girls and boys/men (especially 20 years old and above) - have you figured out who you are? Who are you absolutely in truest of the sense- there are no wrong answers here!
Women, stop giving dowry! Stop asking and participating in lavish marriage arrangements! Stop asking if your prospective partner will finance his father’s medical insurance. Where is your self respect! Why are you confusing financial independence with marriage? Why are you not angry about in-equal pay and lack of child care in organisations. You do plan to be a mum one day . You will need these facilties of maternity leave, and child care, and equal pay as it compounds into your retirement. That is feminism.
Boys/ Men - Stop asking for dowries! Stop asking for a maid who is tall thin beautiful to meet Bollywood standards and also cooks three square meals a day. You are marrying a partner (an equal one) not a maid. Unless you want to f*** a maid- then do that specifically!
A home takes a lot of hard-work and commitment to build. The foundations that you are looking at on which you will be building your marriage are appearing to be very very shallow right now making me very afraid for the future generation! Change yourself before asking for a different experience on the matrimonial site.
 I hope you will get some wisdom.
 This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.
Bhaveen Sheth
Indian MGTOW

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Married to toxic women, stuck within a dysfunctional marriage: This is the story of many married Indian men-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian man would like to discuss on men who are married to toxic women and stuck in a dysfunctional marriage with no way out. We often get to see married Indian men going for a divorce  as they can't get along with their toxic wives. What we don't see is that many married Indian men are stuck in a dead marriage where they continue to suffer verbal and emotional abuse on a daily basis.

In this post I intend to explain why many men continue to remain in abusive marriages and how it affects them on a long terms basis.

The business of marriage in India is filled with strange contradictions.Indian men are fooled into the fake benefits and happiness associated with marriage.The ground reality however is something else. Once the marriage reaches a dead end, men are at the receiving end of all forms of abuse and ill treatment.

No one knows why men still remain in such dysfunctional marriages.There are no definite answer but over the years having observed countless couples and based on my readings in newspapers and social media, I have realized that there are multiple factors.

No matter how difficult life becomes, people still have faith in the institutional of marriage.Men think that their marriages will work and their spouses will change one day for good. Children are another reason why men continue to stay in such marriages. No father would be liked to be separated from his child.

Indian society has always had an obsession for fair and good looking brides no matter how dumb, stupid or idiotic they may be.Many Indian men who are average looking joes are married to fair looking beautiful women, courtesy, the arranged marriage.Such women are a prized catch who later become trophy wives. Imagine what would happen if the average looking joe was to get separated from his trophy wife? There would be a fear on what people would say and whether he could ever get such a good looking women.

In every marriage , parents are strong pillars of support. Arranged marriages are fixed by parents the decisions have to be honored by the children.Many married Indian men remain in toxic relationships and dysfunctional marriages for the sake of their parents.They can't see their aging parents going through the pain and suffering of their son getting divorced and having a broken family.

On the personal front I can guarantee that a majority of the Indian men are scared of loneliness and solo living. The very idea of being alone can put them into depression. As Indian men have never lived alone, it becomes extremely difficult for them to be lonely after a broken marriage. Their urge of companionship is very high. It takes a lot of determination to live alone and I am sorry to say that a majority of the Indian men don't have that kind of determination.

Life skills are something that many Indian men are very poor at, especially the married ones.They just cannot manage themselves independently.I don't blame them. We are raised in a society where division of work begins right from your childhood. Indian men have never been trained to do housework. They just cannot manage themselves independently.They need the help and support of a woman to do it.Many men fear that if their spouse were to leave them , how would they manage all the house work, hence they stick in a dysfunctional marriage.

No matter what you do and what lifestyle you have, our society will always have something to say If a man was to divorce his wife, he would  be ridiculed and taunted, labelled and shamed as a divorced man, shunned by the majority.

Our judicial system is one a the biggest jokes when it comes to the resolution of matrimonial disputes.Forget justice, you will end up with frustration and disappointment just to prove your innocence.Our system is strongly biased towards the female gender and if a man chose to opt out of a toxic marriage, he will be accused with an artillery barrage of false cases starting from domestic violence to false dowry demands and even to unnatural sex and marital rape.Not to forget that his parents and near relatives would also be implicated in all the cases.

Considering all of the above reasons, I will not be amazed to see so many Indian men stuck in toxic and dysfunctional marriages.

But does remaining in dysfunctional marriages change anything for these 
men. I doubt. The truth is that it weakens and destroys them.I have seen such men closely. These men carry low self esteem. Constant criticisms, abuse and berating has lead to a negative personality.These men have lost their individuality and cannot take any proper life decisions on their own.The have to follow everything that their spouse says.

The careers of these men are stagnant. Many of them have taken up jobs that they don't like in organizations that they don't want to work. This is primarily done to meet the family lifestyles of their spouses.The burden of EMIs/Hone loans is thrust upon their shoulders.Their wives have extremely high expectations on the lifestyle they want.Add to this the cost of the children's education, household expenses and vacations, the men are stuck neck deep in depth.

Fear becomes an inherent personality trait. Their wives threaten on abandoning the men along with the children, divorce, separation and extra marital affairs.These men are equally fearful on loosing their jobs.They are worried for their children and scared of their spouses. They face a sum of all fears.All this has a disastrous effect on men. That is why by their 30s and 40s, they start having all kinds of health problems.In some cases men gravitate towards some form of addiction just to seek solace from their current problems.

What happens when you have no emotional or moral support and are constantly being abused?You get depressed. The silent suffering of these men often leads to depression.But they have no choice and have to live within such dysfunctional marriages.

Single Indian men are often pitied for being loners, however after observing the condition of married Indian men stuck in dysfunctional marriages, I come to a conclusion that such married Indian men are far worse being lonely in spite of being in a relationship.And this is the worst kind of loneliness where there are people beside you and yet they cannot offer you moral or emotional support. Your better half has become your worst half.

There is nothing more that I can write or say here.I feel sad for such married Indian men who are deprived of basic love, care and affection.These men have burned out and are loosing the bets years of their lives for no reason.

If single Indian men are reading this post, I kindly advise you to take up the decision of getting married after analyzing a lot of factors. Go for someone who respects you, go for someone who is simple and wants to be a part of your life. Try not to get married to these beautiful, fair skinned, ego centric, narcissistic sociopath Indian women. Because if you get married to them, you life will become an exact replica of what I have written above.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

INDIAN MGTOW

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

I JUST STOPPED CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY-BHAVEEN SHETH-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

So there come a time in your life when you just stop caring of what people will say, what the society will say and what your acquaintances will think about you.

We, the people of India are slaves to the norms and rules of the society. We have to get the right grades, we have to get educated, we have to get a decent well paying job, we have to get married by a certain age, we have to have children and the cycle goes on and on.



Indian men, at-least a majority of them don't rebel and blindly follow the norms without giving any consideration to themselves. Only a few resist and pave their own paths. They chart their own course of life without giving a damn of what people think or say.

If you are a single Indian man and want to live a happy and content life being single and not be married, then stop caring about what people will say and that includes your parents and relatives. People will always have something to say no matter what you do.

If you have a plan, passion, desire, dreams, goals, ambitions, then go ahead and pursue it. Get busy in what you want to achieve and make it your primary focus of your life. Marriage will become a deviation. Some people may say that my ideas are foolish but in India where marriage involves a lot of expenses from both sides and where you have to take a car loan, home loan and EMIs in order to keep that fair good looking spouse of yours happy, I am sure it is not worth the effort. All this will make you loose focus on your primary goals.

You got one life, no one will remember you after you die. People may comment on your single status  and your lack of inclination to get married. But don't bother. Those birds who are caged will always think that flying is a disease.



Initially during my late 20s and early 30s, I too faced such comments and chose not to get affected by it. To all my single Indian male friends and MGTOWs, take my advice:Just don't bother about what people say. When you have attained this trait, you will reach an awesome level of freedom.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

INDIAN MGTOW

Think a 1000 times before commenting and criticizing a single Indian man-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-Indian MGTOW

Our society is really strange. It expects people to fall in line and blindly follow all its norms and traditions.Those who don't follow the norms are taunted and criticized.The same happens with single Indian men who choose not to get married.

In an open letter I would like to convey the grievances that the single Indian men have towards the married folks and society.

It seems that passing cheap comments on single Indian men has become a common behavioral trait of the married Indian folks.These people don't even known why some men chose to stay single for their entire lives.

The single Indian man whom you are criticizing is a beast of burden in his family who has single handedly taken all responsibilities.He has got his siblings educated and married them off, additionally he is also taking care of his elderly parents.In meeting huge family responsibilities, he sacrificed his own personal life. This is his side of the story, something that married folks never cared to ask understand.

The single Indian man whom you are criticizing is still nursing a broken heart, it may have been a case of an unrequited love, it may have been the case of a strong affection between two individuals that never turned into a life long relationship.This man could never get over his past and has decided to remain single.

The single Indian man whom you are criticizing is a divorcee/separated individual having undergone pain and torture, courtesy: our police and judicial system that has time and again been biased towards women. A marriage that went sour, a wife that turned toxic, a women that went on a revenge mode  using the laws to make the life of the man and his family miserable. A huge alimony and maintenance was  paid.Emotional trauma associated with the separation of his child was unbearable for this man. A total destruction of marriage dreams that the man had seen. All this has made the man extremely bitter and he has decided never to get married again.

The single Indian man whom you are are criticizing comes from a dysfunctional family. He has faced physical and emotional trauma since his childhood. One fine day he left his dysfunctional family for good and settled in a big city, achieved professional success but could not get married as he did not want to show his dysfunctional family. The great Indian society does not accept a man who does not have a family.

The single Indian man whom you are criticizing has gained wisdom and maturity. he has realized that marriage is not worth it and has decided to go the Indian Mend going their own way (INDIAN MGTOW) route in order to live  a peaceful life minus tension or drama.

So my dear married Indian folks before you make fun of the single Indian man think 1000 times because every single Indian man has a story and I am sure that you don't have the courage to accept, digest or even tolerate his story.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

MGTOW

Monday, March 19, 2018

Living the life of a single adult orphan in India-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-Indian MGTOW

Orphans have never had it easy ,especially in India.Children without  parents grow up being neglected, uncared, unloved, exploited and unwanted.Some children become orphans at the time of their birth while others become during some phase of their lives.Losing your loved ones at a young age is not easy and combine that with no support from near relatives, life is indeed difficult.

As a writer of this blog titled as "The diary of the single Indian male", I would like to share my own experiences living the life of an adult orphan.Now at the age of 35 , I have very much accepted my destiny. I don't know if I will ever find a soul mate.

What is it be an adult orphan in India?What is to live a wretched or cursed life? In the words of the famous Russian writer Fyodor Dostoevsky "Hell is living a life without ever being loved or being able to love someone". This statement sums up the lives of adult orphans. Yes, we adult orphans are living a life of hell.

At my age life has become a sort of routine: wake up, get dressed, go to work, come back, read books, watch movies and go to sleep.Am I not a human being? Don't I have any feelings?There are times when I wish that there was that special someone by my side. There is a wish to see a wonderful smile of a caring woman in the morning, but there is none. Empty rooms is something that I have always been coming back to after work.It has been so many years where I have had only loneliness to greet me.Initially it was difficult, now I have got used to loneliness.

As an adult orphan in India, you are pretty much on your own.You don't find much support in the society. There is no one in whom you can confide in, no one to share your feelings.A solitary life is forced upon you.

What is it that you miss as an adult orphan?You miss the human touch. Something that makes you feel human.It can be a hug, an embrace, a face to face interaction , anything that shows someones love towards you. You have no one to feel for you.Whatever feelings you have just get stored into you for years to come.The society deprives you of a soul mate just because you are an adult orphan.When was the last time you loved someone and she reciprocated her feelings? This is something that a majority of adult orphans are deprived of. A difficult life filled with hardships makes you pragmatic. You are not able to understand the fantasy of love that other normal people have. I guess, we adult orphans are too realistic with life. But that does not mean that we cannot love or care for someone.There are times when we want to have a meaningful relationship, there are times when we wish to be a part of a social gathering, unfortunately we have been denied this.As an adult orphan you have to live the hard way and accept certain bitter realities of life.

Being single post 30, you are bound to face ostracism, criticism and acerbic comments. Not being married after a certain age marks you as an odd man in the society. A single man post 30 working at a good position gets noticed by people.You get commented upon for your single status, people feel that there is something wrong with you. You  don't want share your personal problems with anyone and if you did, no one one will empathize with you. Social isolation is something that you have to face.No one will invite you at any social function.People tend to forget that you are human being.

Marriage is an integral part of life for everyone. Everyone gets married other than orphans.For adult orphans, the doors of marriage are closed.Your education, work, designation and salary does not matter.It does not matter that you are a self made man.All that matters is that you should belong to a decent well cultured family background. Hence we, adult orphans are nowhere possible suitors for a marriage.No one respects us for what we are. A few months back , a woman's father spoke to me and said "You have no parents, no relatives, how can I believe that you belong to a decent family background" As simple as that.And if you get a matrimonial interest, it will surely be from the dejected and rejected category of women who otherwise have no takers. It seems that people take our orphan status for granted and try to dump their unwanted daughters and sisters on us.

Not a day goes by when you think why your life turned out like this.You question your destiny and faith in god.Why is a normal life denied to you when you have worked so hard?Why are you treated so differently? There is no answer to this. Your life is empty and you feel left out.

And still in all this gloom, sadness and stoicism you see a ray of hope.You realize that if you have made it here  all by yourself, there is a possibility that you will go far ahead. There is a lot more that you can do and lot that you can achieve.You work on yourself everyday in order to become a better person.You work on building wealth. People who understand you become your best friends, you develop good relations in the community.You immerse yourself in creative activities.You travel solo in order to explore new places and meet new people. At the end of your life you don't want to look back and have regrets.

Lastly you don't give up on hope and strongly hold on to it knowing that one day there is going to be a positive outcome.

This is Bhaveen Sheth  signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Get referred to unwanted, unmarriagable and leftover women-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-Indian MGTOW

The single Indian man writes on his experiences when he has been referred by friends and known acquaintances for matrimonial alliances to unwanted, unmarrigeable and left over Indian women.

I guess by the time you are reading this blog post, you very well know that I am an adult orphan with zero family background. I don't have any particular interest in getting married or settling down. I am open to change my marital status if I cam across some suitable person. But for some unknown reason people feel that I am better off being married and settled. Hence I get referred to unknown people who are desperately looking to get their daughters/sisters married.

To put it bluntly, I am the devil's alternative. No decent family with a daughter of a marriageable age would even consider me as a suitable alliance. I mean just look at me: Adult Orphan, no family background, no close relatives to represent me, in short, a suspicious and questionable background. The only thing positive about me is my individuality, educational qualifications and job. And I am sure that in India, when it comes to marriages, family background plays a crucial role.

So who else would be interested in me!!!! You know, the ones who in-spite of having families are not getting married. The unwanted, unmarriageable and leftovers.These women have multiple permutations and combinations that make unwanted and unmarriageable, sort of rejects by the society. They would be divorcees, single moms, ugly, fat, obese women, women having some sort of medical problems, women from dysfunctional families and a lot more.

In all these years that I have spoken and interacted with these women and their desperate families, I have realized one thing about myself and what the society think about me. I am some street dog whom no one wants or cares about and gets unwanted, wasted, garbage food thrown at him. Yes!! For the Indian society I am a street dog who cannot have any expectations and has to do with whatever dirty leftover food is thrown at him. People tend to be more kind in feeding street dogs though.

Over the years I have realized that I can have a choice, the choice of staying alone and living life on my own terms without drama and irritation. And hence I am happy being single.

I have told all my friends, acquaintances and well wishers that they should stop looking for a suitable match for me.Genuine and decent families would not show any interest in me, it is only the parents and siblings of these unwanted, unmarriageable  leftover women who would consider my case as they too have not found anyone. I am certainly no dump yard where some unwanted material would be dumped. 

To all those single Indian men out there, if you also share a similar situation don't ever consider this category of women and never get sympathetic to their parents or siblings. Alliances with such women can bring nothing but destruction. 

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

INDIAN MGTOW

My bluntness and honesty is never liked

Yes!!!!! I am blunt and awfully honest. I speak about the reality. I speak the truth. I think the Indian society does not like this.It seems that everyone is used to sugar coated fantasy.

Being a single Indian man, I have my own thinking and my own way of living life. I don't bother others and expect others to reciprocate the same. But it does not happen. My Indian fellowmen and women have have a habit of constantly fingering me. On top of that I  get referred to unknown people looking for a prospective alliance for their daughters or sisters.

I have my own opinion about the Indian society and marriage.And in my opinion both have degraded to an abysmal level. My reason for staying single is strongly justified but my views are often found acerbic by people. I hardly bother about it.

When people speak to me regarding alliances, I speak my mind.I tell the truth about myself and put down my expectations very clearly and what I want. People talking to me often find it strange, some have also found me rude or offensive. Reality is not accepted by people. And that is the way I am going to remain. 

Experience has made me a pragmatist and blunt honesty did not kill anyone. On the contrary people realize the clarity from the start. 

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing out for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.