Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Why do some people never go back to their dysfunctional families after leaving them-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian man talks from the perspective of many Indian men who haveleft their dysfunctional families for good and will never go back to them.I will write on the reasons, the challenges and what holds them back from their own families.

In the Indian society, family is the single most important institution where people find social, emotional and moral support.Fiction and cinema have portrayed the Indian family as the vital source for love, care and affection.The happy Indian family staying together is a ubiquitous thing and everyone dreams of having one.

But what if one does not have that happy family?What if your family consisting of your near and far off relatives are dysfunctional? What if your loved ones are constantly hurting you? What if on any given day your house is filled with melodrama, emotional outbursts and verbal abuses? I guess it is difficult to have one answer to so many complicated questions.

Dysfunctional families in India is something no one wants to discuss. It is a taboo.In a society where parents are equivalent to gods, no criticism can be heard against them. Dysfunctional families are created right from the inception of a marriage.What happens when two individuals who are not emotionally or psychological fit get married? What happens people carrying excessive emotional baggage get married? In India getting married at the right age is of paramount importance, no one looks whether an individual is emotionally capable of handling the challenges associated with a marriage. Indian men who grow up in such dysfunctional families face many challenges.They are denied and deprived of love and affection from the very people who bought them in this world.A small number of men are strong enough to take a decision of walking away from their dysfunctional families.

This moving away does not happen all of a sudden.Once these men enter their teenage years they get to see the world around them that seems to be normal, they meet families who are happy and supportive of their children.Some men are lucky as they get to move out of their homes and go to a new city for the purpose of their education.After the education is over, they take up jobs in metro cities. This  is where they experience true freedom.They finally have a life that seems normal.They meet people who come from normal families and gradually come to a realization of what is wrong in their own homes.

However many Indian men do not give up hope.They take up periodic visits to their homes under the false hopes that one day thing will get normal.This comes as a major disappointment for them.What scenario existed 20 years ago still remains the same:the same fights, the same outbursts and the same old family problem.It seems like nothing has changed in all these years.Additionally many men are seen as disappointments to their own parents. They are not in the profession or the organizations that was expected out of them (comparison with others), their salaries are not in range with what their cousins or neighbor's children are earning.They are still not married or are not getting married to the brides selected by their parents who will fetch them a good dowry.

It is the same old taunts, jibes and criticisms. Nothing had changed in the  past and nothing will change in the future.

When the men realize this, they come to a decision of not going back to their families.Every visit to their dysfunctional families brings distress and depression in their lives.One day you have to make a decision for yourself, your life and your future.So the men decide to stop meeting their dysfunctional families.Relations are maintained over the phone and internet, a glimpse into the other person's life is seen through social media.

People may question my thinking.How can someone leave his parents?Well, sometimes you need to distance yourself from negative and toxic people for your own god.You cannot move ahead in life if you don't shed your emotional baggage.Sometimes it is for a greater good that sane Indian men walk away from their dysfunctional families. The ones who stay back in false hopes and expectations are in for a grave disappointment.The truth is that till one does not take a radical step, a dysfunctional family will reproduce another dysfunctional family and the vicious cycle will keep on being repeated for generations to come.

My writings may have resonated with some Indian men who have had dysfunctional families.If you wish to share your stories in order to spread awareness, then please mail your write ups to me at sheth.bhaveen@gmail.com. Names and identities will be protected.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and I promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaeen Sheth


I started respecting myself-BHAVEEN SHETH DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

Living alone all by yourself at times can have negative effects  on you. In the initial years of my life, I used to suffer from lack of self confidence and had low esteem. I used to be harsh upon myself.

It was also during such times when I used to approach women and their parents for marriage alliances. I just got turned down. My background was enough for them to reject me but somewhere down the line I feel that I approached people with low self confidence and low self esteem. During those years I even approached women who otherwise would find no takers. I remember feeling bad about it. Meeting toxic women is not something you wish , forget having a life time association with them.

But somewhere things changed. About five (5) years ago I eventually decided to give up on marriage and stopped looking for alliances. My profile does exist on a matrimonial sites but it is a blunt representation about myself. The message that I have conveyed to people in my profile is something like this "This is me, loud and clear. You want to accept it ,good otherwise go take a hike.

A lot has changed since I started respecting myself. One thing that I noticed was people around me started respecting me, my esteem and confidence went up. I realized that I am a man of my own making and don't need to justify myself in front of others. I stopped seeking validation from others.

At the age of 36, this is how I look:

I am happy and content with my own life. No longer do I look desperately  forward for a marriage. If someone is interested, they can approach me provided they talk to me decently otherwise I request them to go to hell. My writings on my blog have made me some sort of an inspiration or role model for many single Indian men who are trying to find a meaning in their life and wish to live single. I also write for the Indian  MGTOWs. I thank all my readers and admirers for appreciating me and reading my posts. Somewhere I have realized that I am a change maker and a facilitator in the lives of other people and I know that I can transform their lives for betterment.

My life is no longer dictated by that one single Institution of marriage. If someone respects me and accepts me for what I am, GOOD. I have my own life to life and many goals and dreams to fulfill. I am quite comfortable in my own skin.

To everyone reading this post, please learn to respect yourself, I know it is difficult and can take some years as we are bought up in a society where our own respect and sense of self being comes for the validation of others. But no matter what happens ,work on your self confidence and self esteem.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

Monday, May 21, 2018

I told my friends, well wishers and colleagues to stop seeking any suitable matches for me. Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

I still don't understand why people get so sad when they hear that I am single and not married. For them it seems that an unmarried man is a sad lonely soul who needs some or the other form of companionship. Many advise that I should get married and settle down. They don't know my reality, do they? So I tell them who I really am and they get a shock of their life. Some feel sad and some get overtly  sympathetic. However they still feel that I should get married and I need a companion (as per them), hence they try to find a suitable match for me.

Over the years my friends and well wishers have tried but there has be no positive outcome. In a sort of a charged enthusiasm, my well wishers approach their contacts and spread the word about me. Sometimes they tend to forget what the opposite side is looking for. I appreciate their help and support but in life one needs to be grounded. Every normal family who wants to get their daughter married is looking for a stable man from a DECENT AND RESPECTABLE family.Now what happens when my profile gets shown to them? Majority will reject and a minority will take their chances. I get to feel like a commodity that is to be tried out by some reluctant customer. Over the years I have spoken and even met women and their parents referred by my friends and well wishers. Nothing worked out. The same story got repeated: The guy has no family, how do we trust him?

My friends and well wishers have also been criticized by the women's families whom they approached for me. They have been told that why did they refer me? Some have disclosed this to me, some have not. I know that they have faced embarrassment for referring my profile.

Eventually I have given up on marriage and have clearly told my friends, well wishers and colleagues to stop looking out for matrimonial alliances for me. It will save a lot of time and prevent trouble.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.



Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Brace yourself for a lonely life, there is no one coming for us: Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian male speaks on developing skills and abilities on living a single life as coping all alone as there is no one who is going to come for us.

My heading is very clear . We as the single Indian men who have decided to live alone all by ourselves will have to face challenges and problems all by ourselves, there is no one who will come for us, this is the world we live in.

In my own experience of being alone for so many years , I have realized that life is not easy. There have been many days when I have faced difficult times all by myself. No one was there to share my problems. But age and experience brings wisdom. Initially I used to think that one days someone will come in my life and I will share all my feelings with her, but that did not happen.Marriage never happened and I never found my soul mate. Indian society has shown me my true position and has clearly told me that its has no place for people like me.I have made a promise to myself that I will never depend on anyone for emotional support or solace.

Gradually I have developed my own support system. As single Indian men, we are going to face many difficult phases in out lives. My advice to all my single Indian male friends is to to behave rationally during such moments, never make an impulsive decision. Always look at the larger picture. Never loose focus on your dreams, goals and ambitions. Get creative with your life. Start reading, make meaningful relationships with other people, exercise every day.

There are many years ahead of us, follow the MGTOW philosophy. We have to become our own support system.Go ahead and face your problems all by yourself.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

Friday, April 27, 2018

INDIAN MGTOW-Wonderful creative mornings-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM

I prefer to spend my mornings doing something creative like reading or writing. These mornings are mostly with a hot cup of black coffee. Since the year 2013, Kindle e-book reader has become my best companion cum buddy. Having downloaded and stored good books in it, I take the luxury of the early mornings to read renowned books by my favorite authors. Try to spend 2 hours at least on my morning readings as I have to get to work.

This activity gives me a new insight about life, keeps mind engaged and makes my day good. I look forward to return back from my workplace in order to catch up with the reading I had left in the morning.

To sum up reading is highly recommended for single Indian men. Do read in the morning or evening hours. You will transform into a better version of your present self.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.


Monday, April 2, 2018

40 Year old single Indian mother shares her wisdom with today's generation looking to get married-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian man came across a post written on by Qoura by a 40 year old single mother on her experiences of finding a suitable life partner. She shares her thoughts and gives meaningful advice to today's' generation who is looking out to get married:

My first marriage was around two decades ago. My father narrowed in on a person, because he met my most basic criteria of being an educated partner. He was doing his PhD, hailed from a lower income joint family, had the responsibility of having a bunch of sisters married, brother settled and then married etc. Fortunately, the guy was brainy enough to make up for his economic challenges with the prospects of a great future. We met, got engaged in two days, married 6 months later. Everything was good except the fact that I wasn’t financially independent( I was a post graduate myself). We both did not like this fact, but after one year (since I had moved to a new place after marriage) I did get a job that made both of us happy and secure in our possible future. We were poor but happy and working towards our careers. Fast forward, six years later, I finally was pregnant after few unexpected medical complications. In the meanwhile, we both had sacrificed enough to get his family settled, and he along the way let me help my family. The challenge began when he discovered we were having a daughter. I met a person who I had not know for 6 years. 5 months into the pregnancy, I had a unhappy set of inlaws who were ready to kill my first child because she was a girl. I had a husband on mute. Anyways, long story short, I walked out on my husband with my 2 year old in hand and nothing else. Not even my clothes. Lived through enough verbal and emotional abuse to know that if I did not walk out, one of us will be dead. My child would suffer either ways. One year shy of a decade of marriage, I filed and divorced my husband. I neither asked for nor claimed any alimony or child support as anything that could keep the strings attached would effect my child. I did not want an abusive unloving adult in her life. My parents stood like rock, watching me take the decisions I took, which would potentially affect my and my daughters entire life. I did what I had to do to save ourselves every which way possible. My only saviour was my career. My financial independence. Today, my past has lost its power over me.
Now my child is 8 (I have raised her alone for last 6 years) and I am ready for a new relationship. Now come the matrimonial sites in picture. I have clearly mentioned that I am looking for partnership, am financially independent, am not looking for a father for my child, but a decent adult role model, with maturity, humanity, and career focus as important anchors. Value congruence is what I am keen on! Everything else will follow. What do I get?
The same stereotypical Indian man I met two decades ago. Some want nothing to do with my child (why contact me then); some want to know how much I earn and then make a decision; some claim to be broadminded but have neither the guts nor the open mindedness to think of a 40 year old single parent as a potential partner. I am not looking at age limits, but yeah cynical men who only talk about sex from the word hello are of course not welcome.
Here comes the reason I am writing this answer: In two decades - my experiences haven’t changed. I was made to be feel unwanted then because I wasn't rich nor thin two decades ago. I am even now not made to feel wanted or accepted today. BTW I am a very beautiful woman as a matter of factVidya Balan Kinds. My career is and will remain to be important. I take care of my parents and wouldn't mind taking care of partners parents. I have a cook, maid, and a care taker to help me grease the functioning of my life because being a single parent ain’t for the faint hearted.
But what does everyone get in asking for XYZ requirements of a partner. The same typical requirements of men and women alike. Before you go judging that I am bashing men, hold on! I am judging and questioning our requirements for matrimony. Money, social status, religion and caste status, looks (Tall Dark Handsome/Tall, Slim, Fair) are some very shallow measures. Dowry and money (potential earning status) are just superficial criteria and don’t help the situation.
So what should be one looking for…I am not judging but merely stating from my experience: look for values and character. On both sides! You being from IIMs, IITs, working for Oracles and Accenture’s of the world isn't a mark of your character. You being CA/CS doesn’t determine your humanity. Girls and boys/men (especially 20 years old and above) - have you figured out who you are? Who are you absolutely in truest of the sense- there are no wrong answers here!
Women, stop giving dowry! Stop asking and participating in lavish marriage arrangements! Stop asking if your prospective partner will finance his father’s medical insurance. Where is your self respect! Why are you confusing financial independence with marriage? Why are you not angry about in-equal pay and lack of child care in organisations. You do plan to be a mum one day . You will need these facilties of maternity leave, and child care, and equal pay as it compounds into your retirement. That is feminism.
Boys/ Men - Stop asking for dowries! Stop asking for a maid who is tall thin beautiful to meet Bollywood standards and also cooks three square meals a day. You are marrying a partner (an equal one) not a maid. Unless you want to f*** a maid- then do that specifically!
A home takes a lot of hard-work and commitment to build. The foundations that you are looking at on which you will be building your marriage are appearing to be very very shallow right now making me very afraid for the future generation! Change yourself before asking for a different experience on the matrimonial site.
 I hope you will get some wisdom.
 This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.
Bhaveen Sheth
Indian MGTOW

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Married to toxic women, stuck within a dysfunctional marriage: This is the story of many married Indian men-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian man would like to discuss on men who are married to toxic women and stuck in a dysfunctional marriage with no way out. We often get to see married Indian men going for a divorce  as they can't get along with their toxic wives. What we don't see is that many married Indian men are stuck in a dead marriage where they continue to suffer verbal and emotional abuse on a daily basis.

In this post I intend to explain why many men continue to remain in abusive marriages and how it affects them on a long terms basis.

The business of marriage in India is filled with strange contradictions.Indian men are fooled into the fake benefits and happiness associated with marriage.The ground reality however is something else. Once the marriage reaches a dead end, men are at the receiving end of all forms of abuse and ill treatment.

No one knows why men still remain in such dysfunctional marriages.There are no definite answer but over the years having observed countless couples and based on my readings in newspapers and social media, I have realized that there are multiple factors.

No matter how difficult life becomes, people still have faith in the institutional of marriage.Men think that their marriages will work and their spouses will change one day for good. Children are another reason why men continue to stay in such marriages. No father would be liked to be separated from his child.

Indian society has always had an obsession for fair and good looking brides no matter how dumb, stupid or idiotic they may be.Many Indian men who are average looking joes are married to fair looking beautiful women, courtesy, the arranged marriage.Such women are a prized catch who later become trophy wives. Imagine what would happen if the average looking joe was to get separated from his trophy wife? There would be a fear on what people would say and whether he could ever get such a good looking women.

In every marriage , parents are strong pillars of support. Arranged marriages are fixed by parents the decisions have to be honored by the children.Many married Indian men remain in toxic relationships and dysfunctional marriages for the sake of their parents.They can't see their aging parents going through the pain and suffering of their son getting divorced and having a broken family.

On the personal front I can guarantee that a majority of the Indian men are scared of loneliness and solo living. The very idea of being alone can put them into depression. As Indian men have never lived alone, it becomes extremely difficult for them to be lonely after a broken marriage. Their urge of companionship is very high. It takes a lot of determination to live alone and I am sorry to say that a majority of the Indian men don't have that kind of determination.

Life skills are something that many Indian men are very poor at, especially the married ones.They just cannot manage themselves independently.I don't blame them. We are raised in a society where division of work begins right from your childhood. Indian men have never been trained to do housework. They just cannot manage themselves independently.They need the help and support of a woman to do it.Many men fear that if their spouse were to leave them , how would they manage all the house work, hence they stick in a dysfunctional marriage.

No matter what you do and what lifestyle you have, our society will always have something to say If a man was to divorce his wife, he would  be ridiculed and taunted, labelled and shamed as a divorced man, shunned by the majority.

Our judicial system is one a the biggest jokes when it comes to the resolution of matrimonial disputes.Forget justice, you will end up with frustration and disappointment just to prove your innocence.Our system is strongly biased towards the female gender and if a man chose to opt out of a toxic marriage, he will be accused with an artillery barrage of false cases starting from domestic violence to false dowry demands and even to unnatural sex and marital rape.Not to forget that his parents and near relatives would also be implicated in all the cases.

Considering all of the above reasons, I will not be amazed to see so many Indian men stuck in toxic and dysfunctional marriages.

But does remaining in dysfunctional marriages change anything for these 
men. I doubt. The truth is that it weakens and destroys them.I have seen such men closely. These men carry low self esteem. Constant criticisms, abuse and berating has lead to a negative personality.These men have lost their individuality and cannot take any proper life decisions on their own.The have to follow everything that their spouse says.

The careers of these men are stagnant. Many of them have taken up jobs that they don't like in organizations that they don't want to work. This is primarily done to meet the family lifestyles of their spouses.The burden of EMIs/Hone loans is thrust upon their shoulders.Their wives have extremely high expectations on the lifestyle they want.Add to this the cost of the children's education, household expenses and vacations, the men are stuck neck deep in depth.

Fear becomes an inherent personality trait. Their wives threaten on abandoning the men along with the children, divorce, separation and extra marital affairs.These men are equally fearful on loosing their jobs.They are worried for their children and scared of their spouses. They face a sum of all fears.All this has a disastrous effect on men. That is why by their 30s and 40s, they start having all kinds of health problems.In some cases men gravitate towards some form of addiction just to seek solace from their current problems.

What happens when you have no emotional or moral support and are constantly being abused?You get depressed. The silent suffering of these men often leads to depression.But they have no choice and have to live within such dysfunctional marriages.

Single Indian men are often pitied for being loners, however after observing the condition of married Indian men stuck in dysfunctional marriages, I come to a conclusion that such married Indian men are far worse being lonely in spite of being in a relationship.And this is the worst kind of loneliness where there are people beside you and yet they cannot offer you moral or emotional support. Your better half has become your worst half.

There is nothing more that I can write or say here.I feel sad for such married Indian men who are deprived of basic love, care and affection.These men have burned out and are loosing the bets years of their lives for no reason.

If single Indian men are reading this post, I kindly advise you to take up the decision of getting married after analyzing a lot of factors. Go for someone who respects you, go for someone who is simple and wants to be a part of your life. Try not to get married to these beautiful, fair skinned, ego centric, narcissistic sociopath Indian women. Because if you get married to them, you life will become an exact replica of what I have written above.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.